


Stoned

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drug Use, M/M, Marijuana, My Heart Will Go On, Recreational Drug Use, cockatrice, crack i'm pretty sure, lucifer/michael bitchfight, pothead au, sam winchester puppy eyes, weaselhero
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-03
Updated: 2013-10-03
Packaged: 2017-12-28 06:46:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/988979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael and Lucifer get into a bit of a tiff; Sam and Dean are hunting a monster that can turn people into stone.<br/>Stoner AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stoned

**Author's Note:**

> A continuation of my previous pothead AU fic, just so you know  
> Hi wow I am so new what is series what is life  
> who am i?  
> jean valj-  
> sorry. please, carry on

"Dude," Dean stares ahead, green eyes wide with horrified disgust "What the hell?"

The Winchester brothers are standing in the middle of a restaraunt, clad in Federal Marshal guise. There is no noise, no hustle and bustle, the customers and waiters are all perfectly silent. This is may or may not be caused by the fact that everyone has been turned into stone. Marble figures sit still at their tables, or stand frozen in place.

"pppPPPFFFFFF fuck if I know" Sam fumbles with the EMF. "Don't think it's demons, could be some sort of demigod??"

Or a gorgon, NerdSam whispers to himself. Medusa could turn bitches into stone.

"No, I mean $20 for a frigging sandwich like what kind of fucked up establishment are these people running?" Dean tosses the menu away in disgust.

Sam rolls his eyes so hard he sees the end of the universe.

***

"NEEEEAR FAAAAR WHEREVER YOU ARE I BELIEVE THAT THE HEART DOES GO OOOOOON"

Balthazar grimaces. "Bloody archangels" . Beside him, Castiel giggles uncharacteristically. 

The two lesser  angels are lounging in style, all silk pillows and Victorian upholstery. "The Godfather II" is playing on the television.

"OOOONCE MOORE YOU OOPEN THE DOOR AND YOU'RE HERE IN MY HEART"

"Oh for the love of Fath-GABRIEL YOU ARE NOT GETTING YOUR BLOODY HORN OF TRUTH BACK YOU CAN DAMN WELL FORGET IT- honestly, it's like living with self righteous, entitled children with unlimited power" Balthazar takes another hit from his original Persian hookah (because he is classy like that)

Castiel discovers that he can bend his legs around his neck, an angel pretzel. Dean is mis-sing ouut.

"AND MY HEART WILL GO OOOOOOON"

***

 

"YOU'RE HEEEEERE THERE'S NOOOOOTHING I FEA- oh, hey big bro...and bigger bro"

Michael and Lucifer are sitting across from one another at the kitchen table. Lucy is smoking passive agressively; Michael is seething agressively. Gabriel reluctantly drops his [excellent] Celine Dion impression and slowly opens himself a bottle of syrup.

You could cut the tensity with a jackhammer. Gabriel warily watches his elder brothers, sipping corn syrup with anxious anticipation.

Michael's chair bursts into flames; Lucifer glass pipe explodes in his hands.

Dad bless these little family reunions.

***

"Is... that a ferret?"

An animal scurries across the restaraunt floor. 

Not a ferret, get your shit together Sam. NerdSam frowns with displeasure.

The animal stops suddenly, turns, and

_blows a kiss ?_

at Sam, then scuttles off, unseen.

He inspects his joint suspiciously. Damnit Gabriel, if you spiked my weed with angel mojo again I don't even know..

Dean hasn't been paying attention; he watches his brother with petrified apprehension in his eyes.

"You're..you're a cop"

Sam freezes in fear.

"I'm a WHAT?"

"Are you guys... smoking pot?" A confused forensic lingers awkwardly at the door.

Uh..

***

_Damn , them human boys is FIIIIINE_

_  
_The weasel leans back, fanning itself sultrily as it absorbs the glory of Winchester ass.

***

"So green, Balthazar, like ...like green times ten billion"

While he loves the little warrior dearly, Balthazar has essentially reached the threshold of how much stoned, lovestruck Cas he can take. 

A loud crash is heard from somewhere below. Frigging archangels.

Castiel unravels himself from the lotus position and flies down to get snacks.

***

Castiel senses some seriously bad vibes down at the kitchen. He sits on the counter and begins fixing himself a sandwich the size of a small child. 

"I'm going to kick your disobedient, petulant ass, who do you even think you are? What kind of an impression are you leaving on our younger brothers?"

"You wouldn't by any chance consider getting off my dick, would you, brother dearest?" Lucifer replies coldly, ashing a cigarette into his palm.

Castiel narrows his eyes in confusion. "I don't think he's on your d-"

Lucifer ducks just in time to miss the flaming kitchen table flying at his head. Time to bring out the angelic steak knives.

Gabriel sighs and steals a pickle from Castiel's sandwich, dodging a rogue angel dagger. 

***

Somewhere in the deep depths of the house, Kevin Tran reflects that translating the Word of God would be at least 700 times easier if there weren't mentally unstable pothead angels chucking shit at eachother and screaming in Enochian.

***

"Oh so now you'll condescend to hang out with humans? YOU'RE JUST DOING THIS TO SPITE ME, WHY ELSE WOULD YOU BE SPENDING TIME WITH SAM WINCHESTER?"

"Because he's dreamy" Gabriel interjects, absently twirling a spoonful of sorbet in his mouth.

"What, he wouldn't be asking if he had seen that boy topless"

"SHUT UP GABRIEL" the two elder archangels snap in unison.

Rude.

***

"Sam, we're in the middle of a sketchy back alley, I don't think you'll get wifi here" 

Dean looks nervously around himself. The trash cans seem sinister.

"shshhshHSHSHS I think I know what we're dealing with" Sam types away furiously at his precious. His tie is wrapped around his head for unknown reasons.

"It's called a cockatrice"

" A what"

"A cockatrice"

"A c-....sorry?"

"cockatrice" 

" One more time, Sammy, I didn't quite catch that" 

"ohmygod seriously Dean what are you ten years old"

Dean's eyes glimmer with tears of really immature laughter.

"Oh please, let's pretend like you don't already deal with supernatural cock on a regular basis"

"what"

"What"

Somewhere in the background, a jazz flute is playing.

***

"Gabriel! DO SOMETHING" Castiel spreads a wing in front of his face to shield it from a shower of blood. 

"LIKE WHAT" Gabriel screams, grabbing a jar of holy oil from Michael's hands. He dodges a bit of corpse schrapnel. Mmm Lucy's got the necromancy started. Perfect.

Pause. Gabriel and Cas look at eachother and simultaneously 

"Secret weapon"

***

"A two-legged dragon with the head of a rooster, it turns anyone it makes eye contact with to stone. And get this- the only creature immune to the cockatrice is a weasel"

"Random. Okay, so how do you gank it?"

"It says here that it dies instantly if it hears a rooster crow, or if it looks at its own reflection"

"So everyone who sees this thing gets stoned---aha?"

Sam counts down from ten slowly. Another intense eyeroll could permantly damage the nerves in his eyes.

"What I don't understand is why there was a fucking weasel in a resta- JESUS MURPHYFUCKING CHRIST GABRIEL DO NOT DO THAT"

The archangel grins. "Alright, loverboy, we need you to do a little housekeeping"

***

Michael has his little brother pinned down in the middle of the wreckage that was once the kitchen; Lucifer has his angel blade pointed straight at Michael's throat.

Gabriel clears his throat. "Bigger bros..can I borrow you for a moment"

The elder archangels turn in horror.

"You wouldn't dare" Michael can't even; Lucifer glares at his fledgling brother.

"Wouldn't I?" 

Sam Winchester gears his puppy eyes to maximum capacity.

***

Dean and Castiel claim rights to the repaired kitchen to investigate the applications of Castiel's newfound flexibility.

***

Michael and Lucifer, both having been knocked unconscious by the sheer force of power thrust at them, are moved to the upstairs library to sleep it off. Balthazar treats himself to a bubble bath, because he bloody well deserves it. He splashes Gabriels's Horn of Truth into the tub as a surrogate rubber duck 

***

Lucifer isn't the only angel that wants to wear Sam Winchester.

Somewhere in the middle of having his wrists bound with spaghetti in the White House while Gabriel approaches him wearing nothing but a Peruvian poncho, Sam recalls that there was something he was supposed to do but he just can't- oh HELLO MR. PRESIDENT

***

The cockatrice tries to turn its head, but it is too late, it catches its own bizarre reflection and instantly becomes stone.

The weasel wipes its hands, satisfied. Another hunt completed.

It sighs wistfully. Shame the Winchesters aren't as smart as they are pretty.

The weasel prances off into the sunset, hero of the day.

***

**Author's Note:**

> All my information about the Cockatrice: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cockatrice  
> Wikipedia, just like the good old days of high school  
> Listen I spent a lot of time not studying to write this  
> But please judge me  
> please


End file.
